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TEAM NICO

Our son, Nico, was diagnosed with HR pre-B ALL (acute lymphoblastic leukemia) on January 2, 2013. This is a record of Nico's progress.

WELLNESS WARRIORS

Good Days and Bad

2/28/2013

4 Comments

 
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I think we are doing better. There are fewer days of despair and more days of hope. This is entirely because of Nico and in spite of Nico’s flawed parents. Nico is handling treatment better than we could have hoped. The seemingly most difficult part for him has been the days he has lumbar punctures (once a week this month), and he cannot eat or drink after midnight before the procedure. For some reason, and in spite of my very vocal protests, he is consistently scheduled in the afternoon and he spends those mornings sitting in front of his snack cupboard crying.

Nico does not even flinch when his port is accessed with a giant needle, and he rarely complains while being injected with blood products and chemo over long periods of time. Nico is much stronger and much braver than his parents. Somehow he is not a complainer in spite of his genes. Incredible.

The ALL list serv continues to be a blessing and a curse. A few nights ago, a mother posted about her own feelings of guilt. She admitted that she had wished her child had not been born rather than suffer for the rest of his life. I was compelled to respond to her because in the beginning I had the same thoughts. I felt that I had brought my child into the world only to be plagued and tortured. Nico is truly the greatest thing that Jeff and I have ever been a part of and I felt that I had taken this perfect being and ruined him. Somehow the leukemia was my fault, and I heard this other mother reiterating those old feelings. Her message helped me to recognize that I have traveled some down of this hard road because I can honestly say that I do not feel this way any more. I told her that hope had returned to me, and that I knew it would return to her too, even if it does not stay as long as we would like it to.

Of course, for all of the good experiences you have as a result of the list serv, you also read posts like one I read last night – A father asking to be removed from the list since he had lost his daughter (after years and years of treatment) and did not feel he wanted to be on the list anymore. These posts are incredibly hard. I foolishly clicked the link at the end of his post and read about his daughter’s life. The way she was diagnosed, the beginning of her treatment – I could have written those posts, as they were identical to Nico’s story. This little girl had a T-cell versus Nico’s B-cell, which does not have the same prognosis. But the bottom line is that leukemia struck both of them, and as we hear over and over, for every parent the statistics are either 100% or 0%. You are either cured or you are not.

I have to face this fear. I have to come to terms with the fact that my child has cancer, and honestly I know that I have not been able to do this yet.  I know because I have not slept for more than a couple of hours at a time in weeks, when I do sleep I have nightmares, my mouth is full of canker sores and I am somehow fat in spite of existing on Excedrin migraine and coconut water. It seems self-indulgent to get a massage, go to yoga or even “talk” to someone, but I think the time has come because I cannot be there for Nico when I am sick and tired and when looking at his beautiful face hurts me.


4 Comments
Jianwei Sun
2/28/2013 06:06:13 pm

Yes, I read all the posts about that girl too. 80% or 90% is a number for doctors, not for us. But that number do gave us hope and that is not false hope, and we have to take care of ourselves so we can go through this long battle. It's not 3 days, 3 months. It's more than 3 years. Our kids are diagnosed very close and we can do this together. I recently read a paper about risk classification. Under some protocols (st.jude probably), if a child has DNA index (>1.16) and the lucky 4 and 10 number, the high WBC count can be overridden to put on standard risk protocol, but I really don't want to worry about the long term effects right now. Right now, we just want to focus on cure his current disease, and we will worry about other when it come up , and I think they will ...

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Kevi Byers
3/1/2013 01:28:08 am

I was told a story that struck me.
When Coast Guard helicopter rescue personnel are trained they are given a scenario:

(You are hanging from a line from the helicopter. You have tethered an injured, unconscious person to you. Wind hits the helicopter, swinging you both toward the rocky cliffs. You will hit. How should you prepare for the impact?

Answer: You should block the impact with the other person's body. If you are also injured and unconscious, there is less chance of any successful rescue).

This was a powerful example for me. I realized that I must make sure to care for myself. Not out of selfishness...but to be there for my children.

I love you more and more. Your words may sound sad (it is the wrong word...can't find the right one), but they also sound fierce and strong. I can hear it in you.

What a fucking path you are all on, but you are still on it. Walk, run, sit, or beat the path as you need. Know that all of this is worthwhile. It is how you are doing this so well.

Not a day goes by without Nico in our hearts, thoughts, and words.

Love from not too far away,

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Jason Tibbels
3/1/2013 02:46:31 am

Shannon,

I know you are doing better. And that hard road you are on – while there’s obviously no way to know how far down the road you are or where the rest of it will take you, it sounds like you’ve realized an important milestone. How critical you are to Nico in his fight. To handle the horrifying bumps, negotiate the medical obstacle course, ensure care givers don’t become complacent in his treatment, or even fight for better appointment times, you need to maintain mental, physical, and emotional strength however you can. He’ll draw on that strength more than you know. He’ll draw on your emotions. He’ll draw on your energy. Stay strong. Stay positive. We pray for you and Nico every day.

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AVIANA
3/11/2013 07:52:43 am

what else can i say from an outsider's point of view but take care of yourself, you must do so also...but how does that resonate with you? it probably doesn't because I am not in your shoes...maybe all i can say is feel what you feel...do what you feel is best for you...even it means not taking yoga class or it means taking yoga classes

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